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Profile
.. Ashley ..
.. 20 ..
.. AU ..
.. Open ..
.. to ..
.. Interpretation ..


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[April 2008]
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Wednesday, April 23, 2008


We are creatures of habit. We like to wake up at the same time, eat the same things, talk to the same people about the same things, go to the same places and dream the same dreams. That's 7 sames.

Today I was annoyed by my own repetition. The same boy. The same books. The same places. The same conversations about the same problems over and over and over again. Never changing, at least it seems that way. Wasn't I once more interesting than this? Or am I just now realizing the sameness of my everyday? Can I stop?

"I'm bored. I want to do something else!" She whines petulantly, tugging at the nylon hem of her mother's skirt. She bites her lip, looking up hopefully, her skimpy blond pigtails quivering as she complains.

Maybe I've always been this way.
Listen @ 1:38 PM


Friday, April 11, 2008


I miss feeling... different. You know the high school feeling: No one understands me! No one has felt this way before!
This desire to fit in, to be some homologous copy of every person I come across, is getting old. I want to be a hemp wearing, tree hugging hippie. I want to be a world traveler who can laugh at her mistakes. I want to play the bongos and dance barefooted and not be embarrassed at the sway in my hips. I want to have comebacks ready when someone laughs at me for something I hold dear. I want I want I want.
How do you shed the shell? How do you be vulnerable in a world where very few people care? How can I embrace this person inside me who loves to dance and sing and make art without the dread in my stomach that no one will love her. 
I don't have a conclusion for this blog because I just don't know. I want to know, but I don't.
Listen @ 5:34 AM


Friday, April 04, 2008

I do not want to graduate. I was surprised to realize that a few days ago. Graduation feels like the end, like my life will finally be over. Maybe looking at grad school that way isn't the healthiest, but it really does feel that way. I still have so much to do! I need to learn how to rock climb! I want to learn how to dance the salsa! I want to learn Spanish, I want to learn how to cook. I want to learn French and live in France for a year! 

Then when my advisor tells me that going to France for a year will mean that I graduate in 5, I feel strange. 2012 seems very far away. I will be at Andrews for 4 years anyway, even with my leaving for 1. Ugh, I really am never happy. Can I afford 5 years?

Speaking of French, I can't take Elementary next year because it conflicts with Western Heritage. So I'm going to try to take it over the summer and intermediate over next summer. Will that be enough? We'll see. After taking 3 years of Spanish in high school I never felt like I was ready to live abroad and I don't think I ever would have gotten to that point. Even though it scares be beyond belief, it's something that I want to do, and I think that I just have to jump in.

Besides that, I don't have time to wait. Where did my life go?
Listen @ 2:27 PM